As far as a job goes, the dealing room or trading floor is basically all I've known. All those computer screens, all those numbers, all those phones, all that banter, all those news flows, all that data and all that adrenaline. It's a very "all encompassing" way to view the world with breaking news constantly flowing in from every corner of the globe. It's also a very narrow way to look at the world- from a chair with six computer screens radiating down on you under artificial lighting all day every day. There had to be more to life. And when you start looking out of the office that you can't leave, your mind starts to wander and fantasise and you start wanting to address that issue.
So, that's what I did. I left that "cell" and stepped out into the beyond. It's a scary thing to do, leave all that security. Leave the one thing you're good at and the "labels" that your job lends you to make you feel worthwhile in life. But I had thought about it for a long time and had prepared for it as much as I could. Nothing truly prepares you for a big change like that though, and during the more difficult days of uncertainty you have to just ride the tide, go with the flow.
For some time I had wanted to do something a little more worthwhile. "Save the world" in my own small way. I wanted to change my approach to life and I had spent years addressing that. Living more from the heart with more compassion and gratitude. And it really did feel more real. A deeper, more grounding and truer way to be.
So, now I'm "living the dream" doing the things I've wanted to. Helping people feel better about themselves. There are also lots of other ideas on the boil to test me further, broaden my mind and contribute to others a little more as well as still being able to make a buck. And I look forward to it all. But tonight showed me something that I didn't realise. It's still there. That drive. That hunger. That determination. That addiction to adrenaline. Addiction? That's what it felt like, sitting there in that cinema. A drug addict viewing the prize but just out of reach of that longed for hit. The desire to step back into that familiarity. To that place where you know what's expected of you and how to come up with the goods. Like a reflex. No question. Just get in there and get the job done. Knowing that you can and knowing the high that comes from overcoming a frenetic, unpredictable and high-pressured environment.
That's when you start questioning who you are and what makes you tick. How you can be drawn to two ways of living that are polar opposites? The no nonsense, take-no-prisoners fight of the trader to the compassionate, calm heart-felt love of the soul-seeker. Is it an addiction or a defect? Should we be one or the other? Or should we take a more Taoist approach and embody a bit of both? That can be a challenging thing to balance though. Perhaps that's the lesson. Realising that both ways are possible and even necessary and can operate side by side and that we can remodel old skills and use them in new situations.
Another conundrum in the whole mystery that is life. Or perhaps it's not a mystery at all. Gordon Gekko would say that one approach is just human nature. And the other? Same answer.
Oh...and by the way, it's a super movie!!!!!
XXX
